Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
