They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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