Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
