But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
