just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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