You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize