Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just googled if crying burns calories
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
