I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
