Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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