i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
