So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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