Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize