I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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