Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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