She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
