when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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