I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
