She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
