I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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