there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
