I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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