put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
