hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
