I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
