i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
