I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
