i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
