my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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