I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
