god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
