I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
