believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
