Duck Duck Cougar?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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