Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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