I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
