Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize