she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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