I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
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