There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
