Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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