Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
