I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
