Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
