Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(815): View more from Illinois

I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen

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(514): View more from Quebec

Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for

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(+75): View more from

It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more

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(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(301): View more from Maryland

he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.

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(818): View more from California

the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes

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(415): View more from California

I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.

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(904): View more from Florida

Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?

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