I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize