Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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