I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize