...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
