Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
