I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
