Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
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