Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
