FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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