NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
