I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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