just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Oh god it's open bar.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
