I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
