she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
