You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
